the wonder of our words

As children, many of us were taught the “magic words,” or at least some variation of them. “Don’t forget to say please and thank you.” “Say sorry.” These phrases were staples of childhood lessons on manners.


A while back, I saw a book by pastor and author, Mark Batterson, called Please Sorry Thanks: The Three Words That Change Everything. The book’s description stated that: “These three magic words are the key to healthy relationships and successful careers.” Seeing this, really got me thinking.


If most of us grew up being taught the importance of these magic words, where and why did so many of us seem to lose them along the way? I mean I’m not a totally rude, heathen of a person. I still use those words, as do many of the people around me, but not nearly as often as I was taught to in childhood. Why is that? How and when did these words become less important to use in daily life?


I realized that maybe the absence of these words in our vocabulary might point to some issues that we struggle with as adults.


“Say please…”
In our early years, we are dependent on almost everyone around us and are taught to make our needs known politely instead of demanding from others with a selfish or entitled attitude. Could the lack of the magic word “please” in vocabulary signal a struggle with this     concept? Maybe as adults we have let entitlement creep into our hearts and lives. Maybe we have dropped the word please because we aren’t really making requests of others, but instead are making demands for what we feel like others around us owe us.


On the other side of the coin, maybe we don’t say “please” as much more because we don’t want to admit to ourselves or others that we need anything from anyone. Maybe we have been hurt or let down by others over the years and we have become afraid to depend on those around us. We don’t say “please” because we are too independent and don’t want to be vulnerable enough to let others know that we need them.


If you don’t find yourself often saying “please” to those around you, then you may want to examine your heart. Do you feel entitled to what you “need” from others? Are you scared to be vulnerable and “need” anything from others? Are you trying to do life mostly on your own? If any of these apply, then there may be some heart healing that needs to take place.


“Say thank you…”
We hear a lot about gratitude these days: gratitude journals, practicing gratitude, gratitude quotes, gratitude exercises, gratitude rituals, the benefits of gratitude… The list can go on and on. Yet for all the talk about gratitude, true gratefulness and those two simple words “thank you” can be lacking in the world around us at times. Maybe they are even lacking in our own vocabularies.


Just like the lack of “please,” a lack of “thank you” might also indicate a sense of entitlement and a demanding spirit or simply the expectation that people around us are “supposed” to do things for us. We take those around us and what they do for granted. Many times this isn’t intentional. We might just be so caught up in our own worlds and distractions that we have neglected to notice those around us and what they do for us on any given day.


That might not be the issue though. A lack of expressing “thank you” might indicate that in the wounds we have accumulated in life, we have begun to wall ourselves off and convince ourselves that we are fine on our own. We want to handle everything that comes our way making it so there is no one else that we need to thank, because we never ask anyone for anything. I would say that for even the most independent, invulnerable people living a life without anyone doing anything for us is not reality. If we open our eyes, we will see people all around us assisting us in big and small ways. Do you go to the store? Use any forms of energy? The list can go on, but hopefully you see where I’m going with that.


So have you thanked anyone today?


“Say you’re sorry…”
This is definitely a tough one because even as child being forced to say that you’re sorry didn’t feel very authentic. I’m sure all of us as a child or even as an adult have heard “sorry” expressed very inauthentically. Somehow that tends to make things worse and not better. A true “sorry” means recognizing that we have done or said something that hurt someone else. It means actually feeling bad about the hurt that we caused whether it was intentional or not. It means being willing to take responsibility for our actions and the consequences of those actions.


Just writing that description it seems pretty obvious to me why true, authentic apologies often seem so rare in our vocabularies and in those around us as well. If we don’t find ourselves saying “sorry” very often, could it be that pride is standing in our way? We might not want to admit that we blew it, that we are less than perfect, or that we make mistakes and hurt others.


Maybe the problem isn’t so much our pride, but being stuck in a pattern of blame. Maybe somewhere along the way we stopped taking responsibility for our own choices or maybe we never grew up enough to even to begin doing that. It can seem much easier to blame other for the things they did to lead to our actions at times, and the confusing part is that often that blame is based in some very justified hurt. However, blaming others abandons our own control over our actions. We may feel that we’re releasing ourselves from the responsibility and consequences of our actions, but ultimately we are just imprisoning ourselves to the actions of others.


Sometimes the issue isn’t that we don’t apologize, but that we have become too quick to say we are sorry. Don’t get me wrong, it is important to apologize quickly when we realize we have done something wrong or hurt someone, but sometimes our apologies become insincere because we apologize for everything and it lacks the authenticity of true remorse. Over-apologizing might come from a desire to just move on and get past whatever the issue is, but that is a hollow apology without any remorse or acceptance of responsibility. On the other end of the spectrum, there are people who have been abused and hurt to the point that they feel the need to take on responsibility for things that are outside of their own choices, actions, or control. These people tend to feel responsible for and apologize for things which are not their fault. This ultimately does not come across as a sincere apology either because it seems like they don’t know what is and isn’t really their fault.


If any of these strike a chord with you, then I would definitely consider some self-examination.


No matter what, take some time this week to pay attention to your vocabulary. Have you used the magic words lately? Are you humble in your requests? Are you grateful for those around you? Do you take responsibility, have empathy for others, and admit your mistakes? How much better would the world around us be if went back to the lessons of our childhood just a little more?